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How to avoid
divorce – agree an ‘etiquette’ for motorhome living
1. ‘Silence is
golden’. Sometimes it is wise and diplomatic to say nothing. Resist the
urge to retort “I suggested that but did you listen…..?” This is especially the case when your other
half claims that the new Truma heating panel is faulty, blames you for not
reading the handbook instructions correctly and then questions the installing
engineer’s integrity and workmanship. Enjoy the moment ‘quietly’ when he finally
discovers what you already knew, namely that he hadn’t switched it on correctly!
2. Partner’s
should avoid being a ‘clever clogs’ and never start a sentence with “I
think you will find……!” Your partner will soon discover what you already
know - that the freshwater drain tap is open and try as he might, he will never
fill the tank using a 10 Lt jerry can under these circumstances. Remember, situations
like this are an invaluable opportunity to let people work things out for themselves.
They then ‘shouldn’t make the same mistake a second time’, assuming you didn’t
marry an idiot in the first place! Remember idiots are people who don’t learn
the first time and go on to repeat the mistake again at a later time and
place!!
3. A partner should always be encouraging. For
example, when you are trying to reverse a motorhome around a very tight corner
whilst simultaneously trying to avoid a collision with an adjacent rubbish bin
area, you should be very diplomatic and encouraging when your spouse follows
your instructions to the letter and actually goes and stands behind the
motorhome – in a total blind spot where reversing camera and wing mirrors are
unable to see her! Do not, under any circumstances, express your exasperation
or judgment about her barely whispered, ‘helpful’ reversing advice and ‘useful’
but completely invisible hand signals.
4. Remember, it is in your best long-term interests, to always
thank your spouse for any whispered advice and invisible but helpful hand
signals.
5. Partners should not take everything literally. For
example, when one says “Please can you go to the back of the motorhome and
keep an eye on the bike rack as I reverse up against the wall”, one doesn’t
literally mean go stand directly behind the motorhome out of view of camera,
wing mirrors and orbiting satellites!
6. You should never consider abandoning your partner
whilst motorhoming. Think it by all means, but never do it in reality even
when your partner keeps up a running monologue worthy of a rally driver
navigator – “oow reverse camber left hand side”, Pothole, pot hole, POT
HOLE”, “soft verge, mind the soft verge”, “plenty of space my side”, “Hogging
the middle of the road”. Refrain from explaining through gritted teeth that
it is a 3.5T truck, nearly 9’ wide and it’s only your second trip out in it and
remember she is only trying to be helpful and caring.
7. A partner should never shout or resort to bad language.
In response the to the incessant phrase “The manual says…” a partner
should diplomatically count to 10,000 first and think carefully about what they
want to say in reply. “*** the bloody manual” should never, never, be
uttered, even under extreme duress. Remember a 200-page manual is there to help
in those times when water is gushing out of the wrong end of pipes or when
fuses seem to continually be blowing. Only idiots, without a grain of knowledge
about motorhome systems, try to solve mechanical, electrical and plumbing
problems, without first reading the relevant handbook pages. Some individuals
should remember how they swore blind they could plumb in a brand-new kitchen in
their very first home….and how it ended up looking like the ‘Heath Robinson’
plumbing on one of the intros to ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’!
8. One should never distinguish between ‘boy’ and ‘girl’
jobs. This is the age of gender equality. Everyone is equally capable of
filling a water tank or toilet cistern and emptying a waste water bucket or
toilet cassette at the appropriate disposal point. Yes, it is MESSY but that
doesn’t mean it is immediately a ‘boy’s’ job!
9. The use of ‘alluring’ tactics to try and get their own
way or preferential treatment from their other half – is to be immediately
banned! Lying ‘alluringly’ on the sofa with an arm holding a wine glass
aloft will not get a partner constantly jumping up and down to refill it for
you. Should a partner have an overconsuming need for alcohol, then an
intravenous drip can be rigged within minutes thereby allowing the other
partner to have peace and quiet so that he can finish his very interesting and
exciting book!
10. One is to exercise extreme care when going to the
toilet at night. Crawling over one’s partner during the night does not
necessitate kneeing them in the groin and then sniggering about it!
11. Likewise, there is to be no unauthorised torch
shining. If you shine a torch in your partner’s face at 3am whilst crawling
over them to reach the toilet then yes, it seems only fair that you should
expect a stream of choice words back!
12. If you know something is empty, do the decent thing
and replace or fill it up. Standing there giggling, knowing that the water
tank is empty whilst your partner swears blind that the internal pump has
broken is not sporting! It’s mean!
13. No unauthorised duvet rolling! It is mean and
SELFISH to roll yourself up in the duvet at 4am to mimic a cocooned
caterpillar. You may arise like a butterfly in the morning. Your partner who
froze early in the morning won’t! It is just plain selfishness and has to stop!
14. Buying and equipping a new motorhome is very exciting. In
the interest of harmony, partners should take it in turn to choose one item for
the new vehicle and refrain from criticising their partner’s choice or taste.
Thus, no partner will be able to dislike every single item of crockery,
cutlery, oven gloves, table mats and cooking utensils that the other partner
suggests for the motorhome. A partner cannot assert her taste on EVERYTHING!
Sometimes your other half may have ‘superior taste’. After all he did choose
you! In addition, his parents and sisters all live in the Cotswolds and shop in
Cheltenham, Cirencester and Bath. Naturally therefore, your partner will be
predisposed to ‘good taste’!
15. Agree straight away that neither of you will damage
the brand-new motorhome before you have even completed your first trip!
Opening a draw and breaking it immediately is basically just vandalism!
16. Partners should not tell off their other half for
breaking something and should own up immediately when accidental breakages
occur. The draw breakage was an accident. Ripping the silver screen at the
top when trying to ‘stretch’ it across the windscreen for a better fit, was
also an accident, not confessing about it was just plain dishonesty and the
offender should be justifiably ashamed! (He is by the way!)
17. Negotiate over the opening of doors, windows
skylights etc. Knowing that your partner gets cold quickly, it is very mean
to wait until she is dozing, and then open every window and skylight in the van
to let in ‘bracing fresh countryside air’.
18. Negotiate and agree a precise place for each item in
the motorhome and then STICK to this arrangement. It is not helpful to keep
swapping things around without telling your partner, whilst he is sorting out
water, waste water and the toilet cassette outside. He can’t find things on his
return and its irritating. It may be funny to you but it’s really just being plainly
childish! Funny – but childish!
19. It is courteous to ask before altering the heating
system. Sneaking up the thermostat to raise the habitation unit
temperature, whilst hoping your partner doesn’t notice – that’s devious!
20. There is ABSOLUTELY NO NEED to find character
building tasks for your partner just for the fun of it! Letting him go out
in the torrential rain at 11.30pm to refill the suddenly empty toilet cistern
instead of insisting that he stay nice and warm and snug in the cosy motorhome
- is not about allowing him to “feel good about himself”. Laughing
whilst listening to him outside struggling to find the watering can under the
van, in the lashing rain and howling gales, in a quagmire, on a grass pitch, is
very, very immature!
21. Only those who empty the toilet cassette should use
the motorhome toilet! Those who don’t do that job, rightly deserve to
trudge through the rain to the nearest toilet block. On their ‘trudge’ they
might reflect on their argument about ‘boy’s’ jobs and ‘girl’s’ jobs!
22. We are not there to entertain the rest of the camping
site. Seriously? Making ‘happy, sad and naughty’ bunny silhouettes against
the motorhome blinds in order to entertain the campsite at 10.30pm. Seriously?
I mean…seriously?
We have survived our first two outings in Bryony. We have agreed some rules too! We didn’t kill each other or plead justifiable manslaughter and diminished responsibility. We can’t wait to do it again once lock down is lifted. Motorhoming that is…not justifiable manslaughter!
You can read about our first trip to the weigh station, our
eventful tow out at Dartmouth and the start of our South Devon and Dorset
coastal tour by clicking on the menu on the right hand side and looking through
November’s blog posts.
In the meantime, if you have anything to contribute to this
‘Etiquette to avoiding divorce’, please drop us a comment below and share your
tip or rule. And remember, take care out there and have plenty of fun.
Steve and Maggie
Comments
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Hi, we always look forward to hearing your comments, tips and thoughts. Drop us a line or two below. Take care now. Steve and Maggie